Rabbi Vole's Random Thoughts

Cleaning Up

2008-05-29T02:49:52Z

So, I've been busy busy lately. About three weeks ago, Genevieve called me. She's the girl I met at Manatee Glens, where I didn't have the gonads to contact her after, and she only recently worked up the courage. We hit it off (again), and we've been talking quite a bit. Two dates down so far, and a budding relationship is in the works. In moving towards Genevieve, I've decided the severe the parasitic relationship that is Lainey. She at first was merely sorrowful, sent me thanks for the friendship, but then decided to get pissed off. Called me a fair weather friend and accused me of using her. W'ever. I'm done with the psychic vampire. She can hate me all she likes, it doesn't matter to me. I don't care anymore. She played with my emotions for her own agenda, and it finally caught up with her. She's got Tres, a decision she made when I first opened up, and she can stick with it. I've moved on with my life, for the better.
Anyway, I got taken off the clonazepam two weeks ago, and the withdrawal has been brutal. It's left me constantly anxious and irritable, so with my mother constantly annoying me about schoolwork, I've somehow figured out how to be stressed. It's gotten better the past couple of days, but I'm still really anxious.
Therapy's now getting rolled back to two times a week, with family therapy once a week. I suppose it's progress, but it's still a hell of a lot of therapy. Combined with my hypersomnia, I'm out of commission most of the day, and I've been having a social life on the weekends. My introvert tendencies have gotten pushed aside, and I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

Dream Theater - Repentance

Hello, mirror
So glad to see you my friend
It's been a while

Staring at the empty page before me
All the years of wreckage running through my head
Patterns of my life I thought adorned me
Revealing hurtful shame and deep lament

Overwhelming sorrow now absorbs me
As the pen begins to trace my darkest past
Signs throughout my life
that should have warned me
Of all the wrongs I've done for which I must repent

I once thought it better to regret
Things that I have done than I haven't
Sometimes you've got to be wrong
And learn the hard way
And sometimes you've got to be strong
When you think it's too late

Staring at the finished page before me
All the damage now so clear and evident
Thinking about the dreaded task in store for me
A pit of fear at the thought of my amends

Hoping that the step will help restore me
To face my past and ask for forgiveness
Cleaning up my dirty side of this unswept street
Could this be the beginning of the end?

I once thought it better to regret
Things that I have done than haven't
Sometimes you've got to be wrong
And learn the hard way
And just when you're through hanging on
You're saved.

"You're only as sick as your secrets, but the truth shall set you free. The truth is the truth, it's all you can do is live with it."

Shit.

2008-05-13T01:48:21Z

/end Keanu Reeves
More worried than ever, now. I should really learn to keep my fucking mouth shut. >_<

Feh

2008-05-11T22:56:55Z

So, I haven't posted when I totally should have. Here be the post.
Shit hit the fan. It hit hard. Tres (finally) dumped Lainey, and she couldn't take it. I got a call on Tuesday while playing GTA from Tres, saying merely, "Lainey needs you right now." We haven't talked in months, I figured something was serious. I called her, nothing, I called her on Skype, and got the response, "No." She made me call him to find out what happened, and then proceded to say her goodbyes. She couldn't take it, and I couldn't take what she was telling me. I got out the door to the van as quickly as possible, with my mum insisitng on coming along. I try to keep her on the phone during the drive over, we get there, etc. I drag her out for ice cream, but she insists on seeing Tres. I know it's a bad idea, but it's impossible to change the damned woman's mind once it's made up. So, we get there. I stay in the car. They're inside for a damned long time, and she eventually comes out, looking better than I had expected. Over ludicrous amounts of ice cream, I find out they're on a break, now. I take her back to her apartment, now that she's calm, and I get back to my house, and crash on my bed, staring at the ceiling cat for a while.
Next day, talk to my therapist about it before he goes out of town for the next week. Yay, timing.
I talk to Urian and find out there isn't much room between the two of them at school, and that he's pretty much ready for it to be over.
Lainey thinks the break is going to work out. I asked what happens if it doesn't, but she refuses to think about it. She needs to. :/ I can't stand seeing her hurt, and if the break works and they get back together, I'm in the same place as always, but if it doesn't work out, I get to watch her fall apart, and become an unhappy wreck again. I'm actually cheering for my rival. How fucked up is that?
She told me that she takes me for granted. It took her long enough to realise.
I'm really starting to lose hope again, and I know where that took me before. I suppose I should just get over her, but then things will be awkward as all hell in our friendship, and I'd almost just prefer to not talk or hang out with her at all... But in doing so, I not only leave my best friend behind, but I hurt her, as well. *sigh* People are too fucking complicated. It's a shame not everybody is like Lisa. The world would not only be a better place, but it would also be better designed.
But in other news, GTA IV pwns massively. It's easily on par with Ocarina of Time.

Yes

2008-04-28T19:30:50Z

I've been told nobody updates their LJ's anymore, and a certain someone won't post unless others will... so, to a certain someone, here's a post.
GTA IV comes out tomorrow. I'm expecting nothing less than epic win. It's a pity I loaned out my Xbox right before launch, but meh, it can wait. I'll look at the purty box art and manual 'til I get it back.
I've been tired constantly, still. I read the label for my Prozac the other day, and it said that it may cause drowziness. I figured it was only the clonapin that was making me tired, but apparently both my meds do. Yay, me. The next appointment with my psychologist is in a few weeks, so I get to keep putting up with this crap, and hope for some changes. Doubt it'll happen, though. It looks like things are progressing smoothly enough that I'm going to stay on the same old shit. Feh, nothing much I can do about it.
I think I'm going back to sleep now...
No, one more thing. Metal band name: Ryleh. Yes, no?
Okay, now I'm off to never-never-land

New Lyrics!

2008-04-15T23:55:15Z

Woo, finally managed to stay concentrated for some lyrical work. And from the melodies in my head, this is going to pwn hard.
This is completely metal. And been thinking about names, I'm liking the idea of 'Singularity'. I mean, what could be more metal than the end result of a fucking black hole? Not much, methinks.

Aim

We met today, you didn't expect me
You've had plenty of time for your last plea
This has been a long time coming
Now you'll lay down, succumbing
To the same fate of us all
It's a fucking long fall

We achieve a singular aim
Shame what became
But I need to reclaim
What's rightfully mine
Fate had us intertwine
It's the will of the divine

We met today, you didn't see me
Couldn't see my obvious glee
Had no chance, doomed from the start
Our combined effort will rip us apart
The inevitability of it all
It's a fucking long fall

We achieve a singular aim
Shame what became
But I need to reclaim
What's rightfully mine
Fate had us intertwine
It's the will of the divine

Need to steady my nervous hands
One wrong move will fuck our plans
We can't have that, we must succeed
Everything's ready, let us proceed
To the necessary end of us all
It's a fucking long fall

(spoken) Boom

[solo]

Headshot, your brain hits the wall
Your body falls into a sprawl
You got what was coming to you
You fucking bitch, it's all through
Your transgressions have been repaid
This is your last serenade
Fuck you, what's done is done
Wasn't working with me fun?

I Hate Meds

2008-04-07T23:34:53Z

Seriously. Fuck meds. I've been on clonazipan for the past week or so, and all it does is makes me constantly tired. It's like weed without the euphoria. Sleeping all the goddamned time isn't making me happier, and the shit is highly addictive. The Prozac isn't working as intended either. These pills are doing nothing but fucking me over, but of course they're the answer! Yay, psychiatry.
In other news, Facebook. I has one nao. Click it. You won't, you're soft.
In other other news, I 5* Green Grass and High Tides, and Portal is major fucking win.
Also in other news, I'm getting into Dream Theater, and they're playing in Clearwater in June. Anybody care to acompany meh?
And I'm tired, so sleepy time. ...For the third nap today. I really hate this crap.

rabbivole @ 2008-03-21T15:42:00

2008-03-21T20:08:40Z

Well, it's over. My short-lived romance career has finally been put out of its misery.
Tres is such an irrational douche. And, unfortunately, he has power over my closest friend. And he's deadset on destroying my happiness. Fuck it, I lost. He has power. Fuck, he has power.
Did.
Now he doesn't. :)
Because I'm disappearing for a while. They can finally be left alone and happy. It'll be brutal for me, but it would be brutal otherwise.
I'm free from being the person who takes the fallout of their relationship. I'm done with it.
I'll come back when she's done with that loser. When it's all over for good.

But the good news is I'm getting chronic.
-----------------------------
Metallica - One

I can't remember anything
Can't tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel to scream
This terrible silence stops me

Now that the war is through with me
I'm waking up I cannot see
That there is not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me

Back in the womb it's much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can't look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I'll live

Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, wake me
Now the world is gone, I'm just one
Oh God, help me hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please God, help me

Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Land mine has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell
-----------------------------

I'm Not Yet Dead

2008-03-19T05:50:23Z

Woo, eventful past week or so. So, Friday, March 7, I was taken to Sarasota Memorial without advance notice, and put under the Baker Act again. This stay took almost four times the last, and I didn't get a good night's sleep for any of it. Oddly enough, the insomnia is continuing. Anywho, I met a couple cool peeps in there, and if it wasn't for them, I would have gone insane. Seriously, the best music I heard all stay was when one of the nurses turned on American Idol. >_<
But yeah, I missed me friends, and my stuffs, but feh.
I have to give up Laid to Rest and Blacken the Cursed Sun, and listen to metal less now. The 'rents are going to be keeping a close eye for cutting now, too.
... Still beats a long-term stay at a similar facility.
Fortunately, I finally get to make some changes that I've wanted to for a while. I got me an Xbox (Mass Effect, woo!), I get to have more room from the 'rents, I'm dying my hair black, and I'm going pescadarian.
I also haven't had bad thoughts in a couple days.
So, I'm tired, and I still can't sleep, so back to video games. It's good to be back.
-----------------------------------
Lyrics: Iron Maiden - Wasted Years
From the coast of gold, across the seven seas,
I'm travelling on, far and wide,
But now it seems, I'm just a stranger to myself,
And all the things I sometimes do, it isn't me but someone else.

I close my eyes, and think of home,
Another city goes by, in the night,
Ain't it funny how it is, you never miss it til it's gone away,
And my heart is lying there and will be til my dying day.

So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years,
Face up... make your stand,
And realise you're living in the golden years.

Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind,
Can't ease this pain, so easily,
When you can't find the words to say, it's hard to make it through another day,
And it makes me wanna cry, and throw my hands up to the sky.

So understand
Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years,
Face up... make your stand,
And realize you're living in the golden years.
-----------------------------------

Winding Down

2008-03-06T02:28:35Z

Well, I think it's all finally coming to an end. I had a breakdown, and with a day off school and some room from friends, I got to thinking. And I've pretty much made up my mind. None of it matters, so feh. I know a way out, and I intend to take it. I'll finally have control, instead of everybody else like the past couple weeks.
Tres supposedly caved, so Lainey and I can see each other again. That bastard should not have that much power over Lainey's life, let alone mine. Whatever, I don't care. He's allegedly changed (again), but of course it's just wishful thinking on a certain fool's part.
I'm done.
------------------------------------

Pantera - Suicide Note Pt. II

Out of my mind, gun up to the mouth
No pretension, execution, live and learn
Rape and turn
Fret not family, nor pre-judged army
This is for me, and me only, cowards only
Try it
Don't you try to die, like me
It's livid and it's lies and makes graves
It's not worth the time to try, to replenish a
rotting life
I'll end the problem, facing nothing, fuck you off,
fuck you all
Tortured history, addict of misery, this exposes me
for weakness is a magnet - watch me do it
Graves descending down
Why would you help anyone who doesn't want it,
doesn't need it, doesn't want your shit advice
when a mind's made up to go ahead and die?
What's done is done and gone, so why cry?

------------------------------------

Win, If Only for Two Hours

2008-03-03T03:54:52Z

So, yeah, Lainey and I watched Reign Over Me tonight, a movie I meant to see a few months back, but I inadvertently forgot about it. It was quite good, even with Adam Sandler doing a serious role. Like, seriously, lol wut?
Anyway, things have been... manageable. Sort of. I've been trying to stop cutting, but it's really fucking hard, and that's only after about a week's worth. :/
Lainey says we're going to do something this week, and we better. It's been two weeks since I got any substantial time with her in RL.
--------------------------

Less Than Jake - Hopeless Case

I have this feeling inside
That i wouldn't like me if i met me.
It seems like a losing fight,
If you can see through my eyes then you'd believe me.

The truth is that I'm overrated,
I can't think straight I'm formulaic,
The truth is that it's sad to say it,
But you can't help me.

You don't see me that way,
You hear the words that I say,
You just tell me that my heart's in the right place,
It's the world that's confused
And it's never too late to save a hopeless case.

I've always known a ghost like me,
Can disappear in a moment, (a moment... a moment...)
I'm my own worst casualty,
Anything I touch can (Anything I touch can) get broken,

The truth is that I'm self-destructive
I'm insecure, I'm out of focus,
The truth is that I've had enough
But you still help me.

You don't see me that way,
You hear the words that I say,
You just tell me that my heart's in the right place,
It's the world that's confused
And it's never too late to save a hopeless case.

You're giving me perspective, (Whoa)
It's better than mine, (Whoa)
And I'll still be defective
And you're wasting your time.

The truth is that I'm self-destructive,
I'm insecure, I'm out of focus,
The truth is that I've had enough
But you still help me.

You don't see me that way,
You hear the words that I say,
You just tell me that my heart's in the right place,
It's the world that's confused
And it's never too late to save a hopeless case.

--------------------------

New Song, Huzzah!

2008-03-02T01:23:03Z

Alrighty, just finished it, ~~though I think I need to add a first verse. Going straight into the chorus is kind of meh, but I can't think of how else to start it.~~ First verse added, even bigger huzzah!
Anyway, it's going to be played entirely in minor chords and minor chord-based riffs, so sad sounding. And this is for the Tree Goats. Not sure on a name, I'm just going to call it 'Tomorrow' for now.

Tomorrow
Tree Goats

You cheated, you lied
You tried to misguide
It didn't work; I'm still here
And I really am sincere
Why is this so fucking tough?
I'm better than his gruff
We both made mistakes,
But that only raised the stakes.

You promised tomorrow
I respond with sorrow
You say eventually, I hate that word
I've been waiting so long, it's absurd.
You say I'll get my chance,
I say I want to advance.

Your promise went to waste
Tomorrow was replaced
So was the next day
But here I remain in dismay.
Your current love's gone to hell
But you refuse to say farewell
You want to make me wait
But I've grown much too irate

You promised tomorrow
I respond with sorrow
You say eventually, I hate that word
I've been waiting so long, it's absurd
You say I'll get my chance,
I say I want to advance

I can't keep living like this
Before long I'll be in the abyss
Please choose who you want more
And which of us you wish to ignore
One of use will be destroyed,
The other will be overjoyed
Make your fucking choice already
I'm certainly ready

You promised tomorrow
I respond with sorrow
You say eventually, I hate that word
I've been waiting so long, it's absurd
You say I'll get my chance
I say I want to advance

You promised tomorrow
For me, there is no tomorrow.
There is no tomorrow.

Dammit, Police!

2008-03-01T02:42:43Z

Argh! I had Message in a Bottle FC'd. Seriously, a couple notes away, even that obnoxious 1-2-1-3-1-4-1-2 part was hit. And I choked. Arrrrrrgh.
-1. 289K. 893 note streak.
Damn you, nervousness! I shall get this FC, I swear!

You're Making Us Fucking Hostile!

2008-02-29T02:02:45Z

I suppose today was a comparatively good day, but it still sucked. :/ I'm apparently not going back to the hospital, but the 'rents are keeping a ridiculously close eye on me now, and I'm supposed to try different methods of coping.
Lainey's still trying to get permission for this weekend, but Tres is still being a dickwad. He apparently doesn't think he's being controlling, but what the fuck. Not allowing two friends to see each other? That's fucking controlling. I dunno, Dominic and I are going to hang out this weekend, so maybe that will help, but isolation from my two best friends is going to kill me.
I don't know what to do.
--------------------------

Really want to cut right now
fuck
fuck
fuck
gaaaaah
need to let it out...
FUCK YOU, TRES
I'd seriously kick his ass if he was by me right now
You're not being controlling?
Really?
Fucking prick.
You don't deserve what you have
Fucking douche.
...
Oooh, I see a song in that.
But yeah, you're a fucking douchetard.
Fuck, fuck.
Lainey can't see one of her best friends...
I can't hang out with my two closest friends...
I'm cutting now...
And it's all your fault, you motherfucker.
Hope you're happy...

--------------------------

Lamb of God - More Time to Kill

Your,
Last,
Breath,
I'll rip it away,
And haunt your dreams in your final sleep.

You can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one filled up first
your numbers come up and it sure as hell ain't a lucky one, son.

Get one thing straight from the get go,
I truly don't give a fuck about you.
I never have and I never will,
Each day you breathe it's more time to kill.

Get one thing straight from the get go,
I truly don't give a fuck about you.
I never have and I never will,
Each day you breathe it's more time to kill.

I never have,
I never will,
Never will.

--------------------------

Feh

2008-02-26T02:54:01Z

So, I still don't have stability. I chilled with Urian yesterday, and it was awesome, but as soon as I come into contact with the greater world, it all goes to shit. Lainey's mad at me again, but she's actually continuing to talk to me, so it's bad, but not horrible like before. Though, she can't hang out with me for a while, so feh.
I'm probably going to be skipping DND for a while, and she doesn't want it to carry on without me. Yay, teen angst!
My parents aren't trusting me to be alone for more than an hour now, and since I'm probably going to be suicidal for a while, it will also continue for a while. I should care more, but I'm actually kind of thankful. I got home from school today, and was scared when nobody was here. Thank god for Urian and the Internet.
Anyway, I got the first verse of a new song written, and I started learning Blacken the Cursed Sun. So, woot, I suppose.
-------------------------------------

Megadeth - In My Darkest Hour

In my hour of need,
Ha you're not there.
And though I reached out for you,
Wouldn't lend a hand.

Through the darkest hour,
Grace did not shine on me.
It feels so cold, very cold.
No one cares for me.

Did you ever think I get lonely,
Did you ever think that I needed love,
Did you ever think to stop thinking,
You're the only one that I'm thinking of.

You'll never know how hard I tried,
To find my space and satisfy you too.

Things will be better when I'm dead and gone,
Don't try to understand, knowing you I'm probably wrong.

But oh how I lived my life for you,
Still you'd turn away.
Now as I die for you.
My flesh still crawls as I breathe your name,
All these years I thought I was wrong,
Now I know it was you,
Raise you head, raise your face your eyes,
Tell me who you think you are, who?

I walk, I walk alone,
Into the promised land.

There's a better place for me,
But it's far, far away.
Everlasting life for me,
In a perfect world,
But I gotta die first.
Please God send me on my way.

Time has a way of taking time,
Loneliness is not only felt be fools.
Alone I call to ease the pain,
Yearning to be held by you, Alone so alone, I'm lost.
Consumed by the pain,
The pain, the pain, the pain.

Won't you hold me again,
You just laughed, haha, bitch.
My whole life is work built on the past,
But the time has come when all things shall pass.
This good thing passed away.

In my darkest hour.

------------------------------------

Starting to Feel Better

2008-02-23T04:04:59Z

So, I had a really rough couple of days. I've been having pretty bad insomnia, as bad as 2 hours sleep Tuesday night, I've been throwing up, and eating even less than one meal a day.
But, I'm getting better. I think.
Lainey has since apologized, and I absolutely forgive her. I know how it feels to help fuck up someone's life. :/
Anyway, been getting more song ideas, both for DethGoats and Tree Goats, but I'm lazy. Also, being two weeks behind in school isn't helping much.
-------------------------------
I swear, I should just stop mentioning streams unless I actually made one >.<
-------------------------------

Song lyrics:
Lamb of God - Blacken the Cursed Sun

Seize a darkened day,
There's only hell to pay,
And no one left to see this prodigal return.
Sweet apathy's my toll.
You mourn the draining soul.
I'll dig a deeper hole.
Sanctity, a breath away.
Just a breath away.
Blacken the cursed sun.
You're not the only one,
To have sunk so far and low.
There is no tomorrow.
A tragedy on display,
A sickness for all to see.
I will kill this part of myself that I hate and that I see in you.
It was always mine, anyway.
There's something you can't take away.
I choose not to feel a thing.
Sanctity, a breath away.
Just a breath away.
Away.
Just a breath away.
Blacken the cursed sun.
You're not the only one,
To have sunk so far and low.
There is no tomorrow.
Blacken the cursed sun.
Blacken what's yet to be done.
Blacken, because now you know, there is no tomorrow.

Is there still hope for us?
Can we still be saved?
Does your God hold a place for us?
There is no tomorrow.
Is there still hope for us?
Can we still be saved?
Does your God hold a place for us?
Is there time to repent?
Will we rise from the dead?
Can these sins even be forgiven?
Is there still hope for us?
Were we ever even alive?
Is any of this even real?
You're just a breath away.
You're just a breath away.
Better to die quick fighting on your feet
Then to live forever begging on your knees
No.
Can we still be saved?
Hell no!
Does your God hold a place for us?
Hell no!
Is there time to repent?
Hell no!
Will we rise from the dead?
Hell no!
Can these sins even be forgiven?
Hell no!
Is there still hope for us?
Hell no!
Were we ever even alive?
Hell no!
Is any of this even real?
Hell no!
Hell no!

-------------------------------
... I just realized I've been mentioning a lot of Lamb of God lately. Well, they're epic, so I has an excuse!

New Song

2008-02-21T09:20:21Z

Finally, work has been done!
Fueled by insomnia, anger, and Lamb of God, I've got a rough draft of a new Tree Goats (Probably going to be DethGoats, actually) song.

Eternal Darkness
DethGoats

When the time is right
It all goes grave
You stop caring
And finally get peace

Eternal darkness
The end is nigh
Eternal blackness
Scream to the sky
Eternal respite
All ceases to be

Numb on the inside
Assault those close by
If only they knew
Unleash the grievances

[solo]

Eternal darkness
The end is nigh
Eternal blackness
Scream to the sky
Eternal respite
All ceases to be

(screamed) Why------------------------------------

(spoken, Mandatory Suicide-like)
Eclectic knowledge wasted on the ignorant
Pretentious sadists imposing themselves
They punish what they can't understand
Be inspired to oppose the tyranny

(screamed)Fuck-------------
It------------------
All----------------

Eternal darkness
The end is nigh
Eternal blackness
Scream to the sky
Eternal respite
All ceases to be---------------------------------

Breaking Away

2008-02-21T02:09:34Z

So, today was... eventful. I went to see one of the doctors from the mental hospital today, and I bitched about the meds and its side-effects. The result? Double dosage. And apparently I'm just supposed to stop using caffeine. Fuck that.
Lainey and Tres talked out their problems (er, problem, I suppose) so they're back together. I got to be yelled by Lainey for allegedly trying to sabotage things, and now she isn't talking to me, for whatever reason. I guess I'm blowing off her trying to help? I just need to get away. I can't win with her anymore: she institutionalizes me, she gets my hopes up and proceeds to crush them, she tries to stop me from smoking, she curses at me and blames her problems on me. Whatever, she's right, I'm fucking things up, even though I'm not trying to. She may finally be happy without me.
My therapist is going to have a field day with this tomorrow.
I don't care if I get hurt anymore, I have no control. I need a fucking break. I need to get away. I don't want to live anymore.
----------------------------------------------
No stream, the post says it all
----------------------------------------------
Song lyrics:
They Might Be Giants - I Should Be Allowed to Think

I was the worst hope of my generation
Destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical
I should be allowed to share my feelings
I should be allowed to feel

I should be allowed to glue my poster
I should be allowed to think
I should be allowed to think
I should be allowed to think
And I should be allowed to blurt the merest idea
If by random whim one occurs to me
But sadly, this can never be

I am not allowed to think
I am not allowed to think
I am not allowed to think (I am not allowed to think)
I am not allowed to think (I am not allowed to think)
I am not allowed to think (I am not allowed to think)
I am not allowed to think (I am not allowed to think)
----------------------------------------------

I'm a Bad Person

2008-02-19T22:53:59Z

Oh God, oh God, oh God am I a bad person. Seriously, I shouldn't even exist anymore. I'm such a fucking douche.
Lainey and I did a bit more than kiss Sunday, and in Physics today I apologized to Tres. He told me not to worry about it, and I replied that I should, and I was sorry. He asked about what, I said he'd find out.
Oh God, did he.
Lainey told him, and they're over now, and it's all my fault.
He's feeling horrible, and it's all my fault.
Lainey's pissed at me, and it's all my fault.
I knew they'd be better off without me.
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Stream:
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
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Song lyrics:
Phish - Dirt

I'd like to live beneath the dirt
A tiny space to move and breathe is all that I would ever need
I want to live beneath the dirt
Where I'd be free from push and shove like all those swarming up above
Beneath their heals I'll spend my time....

Shout your name into the wind...
I'll wiggle in the earth and dew
Shout your name into the wind...
And sometimes I will think of you
Shout your name into the wind...
And if you ever think of me kneel down and kiss the earth and show me what this thought is worth
I'll never hear your voice again

Shout your name into the wind...

Pure Pwnage

2008-02-19T02:58:49Z

So, yeah, Urian and I finally got to jam. And he sure likes his Push Push (Lady Lightning) bass solo, which is going to make me learn all the obnoxious guitar parts in that song. Anyway. His bass is awesome, and I suppose I'll actually start working on songs so we can get the band going. We got all songs 5-starred for GH2, and he's joining our DND group, so woot.

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No stream, I'm being lazy again
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Song lyrics:
The Grateful Dead - Touch of Grey

The only thing there is to say
Every silver lining's got a
Touch of grey

I will get by / I will get by
I will get by / I will survive
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.... WTF?

2008-02-18T03:32:54Z

Yeah, so, today pwned hard. And it failed. Of course, because I'm awesomely fucking lucky, the fail is going to be the one that lasts.

Lainey came over, and, as always, she cheered me up. And, in a moment of mutual weakness, we kissed. (Fuck yeah!) She pulled back after about half a minute, and we had a while of awkward silence. We've since talked to Tres about it, and he's obviously distraught. Lainey wants to save the relationship, so I'm looking forward to months more of being depressed. She also blamed me for the whole situation, and I can't dispute it. I had my chance, missed it, and now I'm being a selfish douche for trying to make us work... Especially because I could utterly destroy the relationship. She says she'll be uberly pissed though, so feh.

I should just move on. But I don't think I can. I love her too much. >.<

Anyway, Urian and I are jamming for epic awesomeness tomorrow, so that will, at the very least, distract me.

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Stream:
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
fuck
sigh
fuck
Lainey, you win
And make me really fucking happy
Then sad again
And rollercoasters aren't always fun...
sigh
I suppose it will all eventually be alright
But I'm really tired of waiting
I know there's lyrics wanting to get out
I just don't feel like working right now
;-;
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Lyrics:
Lamb of God - Laid to Rest

I'll chain you to the truth, for the truth shall set you free
I'll turn the screws of vengeance and bury you with honesty
I'll make all your dreams come to life, and slay them as quickly as they came
Smother another failure, lay this to rest

Console yourself, you're better alone
Destroy yourself, see who gives a fuck
Abosorb yourself, you're better alone
Destroy yourself, see who gives a fuck

See who gives a fuck
See who gives a fuck

I Has No Idea

2008-02-17T03:30:28Z

So, I'm very confused right now. The meds are finally working, so it's hard for me to be depressed, but I don't have anything in particular to be happy about, and I'm not apathetic either. This must be what being bipolar feels like.

Anyway, Lainey's coming over tomorrow, so whee, and I finally get to jam with Urian on Monday. I started learning Enter Sandman, which is quickly becoming my new Cowboys from Hell - that is, the riff I play constantly to the annoyance of everybody else. It's strange, though, I have a harder time playing stuff like Ruby or Mississippi Queen than I do with Raining Blood, Enter Sandman, Cowboys From Hell, etc. I suppose it's that I'm definitely better at riffing than I am with chords.. I should fix that.
... And I haven't worked on anything for Tree Goats. Feh. I've got some ideas for lyrics, but I'm too busy/lazy to work on them. And I need to work with Josh for our epic dueling guitar solos.

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No stream right now, way too lazy
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Song lyrics:
Kaiser Chiefs - Everything Is Average Nowadays

Everything is average nowadays
Everything is average nowadays
Everyone would do it if they can
And everything is going down the pan
And everyone is following the craze
And everything is average

Now you say it’s getting better
But I don’t really see the signs
Said it is too different
You thought it would be suicide
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